2 years, the doctor said, 2 years is the goal for you. When he told me that, 2 years ago, it felt like forever. The date the doctor told me was my goal was January 10, 2016. Back in 2014, it seemed it couldn't get here fast enough. As I waited, and not very patiently, for the days to pass by, i was crossing off the dates on the calendar. Watching the months go by. The seasons change. Holidays come and go. Celebrating New Years Eve with the passing of another year. Each day I crossed off, each turn on the page on the calendar to a new month was one day closer to my goal.
Well, here it is February 2, 2016. Last week, I had met with the doctor to hear him say I reached my goal. In my previous post, I explained how hard and difficult the last month of this journey was for me. Not physically, but mentally.
After being some what patient, my appointment with my oncologist was at 930am. I walked in the office and saw that it was packed with patients waiting to see him. I took in in stride and sat and read a book. 30 minutes passed with not much movement in the waiting room. 45 minutes passed and few patients went into the back and some left the office. Slowly time went by. I continued to read. My name was finally called 90 minutes after the scheduled appointment time. Usually, I would have left or probably said something but I had been waiting for this day for a month now.
The nurse put me in the same room that back in September 2013, was the very room I was given the horrible news that I had Leukemia. The room, the office itself, is not a fun place to visit. It stirs up a lot of emotions for me. Every thought, every emotion, every memory floods back and I have to relive it over and over again. I sat in the back room, alone, waiting for the doctor.
He arrives with a smile and a hug. I love my doctor. I really do. I thank him every time I see him because he was part of a team that saved my life. We discuss the usual. How have you been feeling? Anything new? How is your pain level? Energy level? etc. He begins looking at my chart on his computer screen. He says he can't find my blood work. I'm thinking, oh no, not again. So, I recap the last month with him and he remembers. After a little more searching he finds it. My basic blood work is good he says but I can't find your leukemia labs. Ugh! I'm trying to keep it together. While he is searching, he finally sees the date on the chart. He turns to me and smiles. He says, "Mary, this is a significant day for you!" I look at him like "DUH!", this is the reason I was so anxious!!!
He finds the results of my leukemia labs and he is very pleased. He looks at me and says to me that I have choices I can make now. Choices? Choices? That has never been presented to me before on this journey. I have always been told what I am going to do. Like, you need this test.You need to be in the hospital today not tomorrow. You need to have this amount of blood. This chemo for this time frame. Do whatever the doctor tells you to do. Don't argue. Be strong. Trust God. But, today I am given a choice in my journey - turn left or right - I don't have to go straight anymore. I'm scared. I'm undecided. It is a simple choice but not an easy decision for me.
The doctor discussed the next chapter in my journey with cancer. At that moment, in his office, he revealed to me that I have reached the point of my cancer treatment where leukemia is never coming back. Within 2 years after my last treatment of chemo is the most crucial time regarding leukemia. If it was going to return, it was going to return with vengeance. He explained if it came back it would be very hard to treat or that treatment would be impossible and I would die from it. Scary words! But, here I was sitting in his office, 2 weeks after that goal date with no signs of cancer in my body. This girl was beaming from ear to ear!!! I beat Leukemia!!!
You are probably wondering what was my choice? It was really simple. He asked me a question. He asked ME when I would like to see HIM again. Anyone with cancer would completely understand this question. Or the confusion as to why this is so hard to answer. When you are fighting cancer, you are never asked when YOU want to come back. You are TOLD when YOU are coming back to see the doctor. I chuckled at the question and I looked at my doctor and expressed to him that I wasn't sure what to do. His choices were: I see him, 6 months from now, in a year or when I FELT like it. (BIG SMILE HERE!)
Cancer and the experience of it all still exists in my mind. I guess it always will. Each day I get farther away from it - I try to push in to the back of my mind. My answer to his question? I opted for calling him over the summer, when the kids are out of school, and I would set up my labs and an appointment to see him. I'm just not ready to step away completely yet. I still need that visit at the doctors office where he smiles and says your labs look great. I still need that reassurance that I beat cancer!
I left his office, fulfilled, stronger, determined, blessed! I got into my car and just cried. I was overwhelmed with emotion. Absolutely relieved that this day had come. I wanted to scream it to the world that I made it! I called Mark and my family. I texted my kids and my friends. I posted on instagram. I hugged my kids a little tighter when they got home from school. I cried on and off all day. I walked around my house praising God that He was with me through this crisis in my life. At the end of the day, I fell into my husband's arms, put my head on his chest. I told him I loved him and thanked him again for not giving up on me and I cried. Our family survived - we made it through a difficult time! My family is amazing!
So, today, as I write this post, I am cancer free! I am a survivor of leukemia (blood cancer)! I won the battle! I fought hard! I have war wounds to prove it! I feel powerful! I feel strong! Life goes on and I will continue with this thing called life and see what my next big adventure is.................
