I dropped Briggor off at kindergarten today and continued on with my day. I am trying to get back into the swing of things. I went to the bank. Since it was just me in the car, I was having a conversation with my dad. I was talking to him about how hard this is. How I am going to miss seeing him at my parents house. How I am going to miss his voice when he answers the phone when I call. I am going to miss his sarcastic comments. LOL I am going to miss all the stuff he wants to pawn off on me every time I visited. I am going to miss his laugh. I am going to miss seeing him in the kitchen making himself something to eat. The list went on and on. I was telling him how much my heart was hurting me. Literally hurting me, I didn't know it could hurt this bad.
After the bank, I treated myself to getting my nails done and a pedicure. I walked into the salon and the song "I can only imagine" by mercy me!! I do believe that my dad was sharing a moment with me. :) It brought tears to my eyes!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The hardest day of my life.....
Today was probably the hardest day of life so far. My heart hurts more than it has ever hurt before. I miss my daddy so very much. I would love to have more moments with him. I cry when I think I have no more tears to cry. My stomach is in knots. I sometimes ask myself if this is really happening.
My mom, brother, sister, brother in law and I went to the mortuary today to make the final arrangements for my dad's funeral. I didn't know that so many questions and so many decisions had to be made. Some you would never believe what would be asked of you. My dads wishes were to be cremated. My mom chose the spot for my dad a little while ago and shared it with us today. It is perfect for my dad. He will be interned at Pierce Brothers Valhalla in North Hollywood. I will try to describe how significant this particular spot is......
If you have been there, you will know that they have a dome structure which seems to stand out at the end of the Burbank airport runway. The dome structure is dedicated to all aviators from all the wars. While driving down the path in the cemetary towards the structure the first thing you see a monument of the space shuttle then the huge dome structure. When I saw that space shuttle I smiled. The final resting place for my dad is a beautiful rose garden. It so peaceful! The garden is also is in the take off pattern of the airplanes. You can also see the Burbank airport terminal from the garden. Why is this significant? Well, my dad worked for Lockheed at the Burbank Airport for 32 yrs. He was an aeronautical engineer. So, after being shown the area - we confirmed that my mom made the best choice!
While in the waiting room, we shared laughter and tears about my dad. Things he would, if he could tell us to NOT spend the money on. Things he would, instruct us to do. We were surprised that we didn't find a pine box in his garage just waiting for him so we could save money.
My mom is an amazing woman. She is holding it together as best she can and doing what needs to be done. She is so strong and such an inspiration to our family. She gives the best hugs in the world.
My dad will have a memorial service on Friday at 11am. This is not something HE wanted but it is something my MOM wanted. She is in charge now!! That is the new joke running around the house.
My mom, brother, sister, brother in law and I went to the mortuary today to make the final arrangements for my dad's funeral. I didn't know that so many questions and so many decisions had to be made. Some you would never believe what would be asked of you. My dads wishes were to be cremated. My mom chose the spot for my dad a little while ago and shared it with us today. It is perfect for my dad. He will be interned at Pierce Brothers Valhalla in North Hollywood. I will try to describe how significant this particular spot is......
If you have been there, you will know that they have a dome structure which seems to stand out at the end of the Burbank airport runway. The dome structure is dedicated to all aviators from all the wars. While driving down the path in the cemetary towards the structure the first thing you see a monument of the space shuttle then the huge dome structure. When I saw that space shuttle I smiled. The final resting place for my dad is a beautiful rose garden. It so peaceful! The garden is also is in the take off pattern of the airplanes. You can also see the Burbank airport terminal from the garden. Why is this significant? Well, my dad worked for Lockheed at the Burbank Airport for 32 yrs. He was an aeronautical engineer. So, after being shown the area - we confirmed that my mom made the best choice!
While in the waiting room, we shared laughter and tears about my dad. Things he would, if he could tell us to NOT spend the money on. Things he would, instruct us to do. We were surprised that we didn't find a pine box in his garage just waiting for him so we could save money.
My mom is an amazing woman. She is holding it together as best she can and doing what needs to be done. She is so strong and such an inspiration to our family. She gives the best hugs in the world.
My dad will have a memorial service on Friday at 11am. This is not something HE wanted but it is something my MOM wanted. She is in charge now!! That is the new joke running around the house.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Final Phone Call
When the phone rings in the middle of the night, it is never a good call. Last night was one of those nights. My phone rang beside my bed and woke me out of a sound sleep. My mom called to tell me that my dad had gone home to heaven! My sister, Tink, her husband, Jim, our son Andrew and my mom were there last night with my dad. According to my mom, before she went to bed, she kissed my dad one last time, told him to go home and that was around 10pm last night. Around midnight, the nurse left and informed my family that it wasn't much longer. He passed away somewhere between midnight and 130am.
I cried very little - which somehow surprised me. The Lord has prepared our family for this day for awhile. After a couple of hours of discussion, I crawled back into bed, holding my dad's baseball glove, smelling the old leather, thinking of him.
My dad is resting peacefully now. Jesus' arms are around his shoulders! He is back home where he belongs.
I am heading south today to be with my family. My brother, sister and I are going to be right by my mom's side and make this as easy as possible.
Thank you all for your prayers! We all feel the love! I will post funeral arrangements as soon as I know.
I cried very little - which somehow surprised me. The Lord has prepared our family for this day for awhile. After a couple of hours of discussion, I crawled back into bed, holding my dad's baseball glove, smelling the old leather, thinking of him.
My dad is resting peacefully now. Jesus' arms are around his shoulders! He is back home where he belongs.
I am heading south today to be with my family. My brother, sister and I are going to be right by my mom's side and make this as easy as possible.
Thank you all for your prayers! We all feel the love! I will post funeral arrangements as soon as I know.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Just thoughts.....
My dad consumes my thoughts these days and so many people have responded to my blog about my dad. It is hard to stay focused on my family with thoughts of my dad running through my head. For example, today after I dropped Briggor off at school I was heading to the store. My mind went completely foggy and I missed my turn. LOL
I just want everyone to know who reads this that my parents are so important to me. God is important to me. My faith is strong and has become stronger as I have gotten older. I went to a Christian school. I learned my bible verses and did bible studies. I knew God and began a relationship with Him when I was young. I didn't fully understand the magnatude of His Being until I became much older. He is definetely a driving factor in my life. I have surrounded myself with great Christian friends where we talk about God like He is sitting right there with us. I write freely about Him because we have a presonal relationship. I feel His presence all around me. He helps and comforts me through the hard times and we share together in life's beauty. I have experienced Him in my life. Right now, He is giving me a lesson on life and death which he created.
The comments/emails/notes that people have said about my dad and my blog made me pause. I had to go back and read my blog again to see what everyone was talking about. When I write on my blog, the words just flow out of my mind to the keyboard. I express how I am feeling at the moment. Isn't that what a blog is for? It's sort of an open book diary!
I guess what I am saying is thank you for reading my blog. My life isn't perfect! I just want to share my life with my family and friends whether it is good or bad. Call it theraputic, call it a release, call it sharing.....it's just me!
I just want everyone to know who reads this that my parents are so important to me. God is important to me. My faith is strong and has become stronger as I have gotten older. I went to a Christian school. I learned my bible verses and did bible studies. I knew God and began a relationship with Him when I was young. I didn't fully understand the magnatude of His Being until I became much older. He is definetely a driving factor in my life. I have surrounded myself with great Christian friends where we talk about God like He is sitting right there with us. I write freely about Him because we have a presonal relationship. I feel His presence all around me. He helps and comforts me through the hard times and we share together in life's beauty. I have experienced Him in my life. Right now, He is giving me a lesson on life and death which he created.
The comments/emails/notes that people have said about my dad and my blog made me pause. I had to go back and read my blog again to see what everyone was talking about. When I write on my blog, the words just flow out of my mind to the keyboard. I express how I am feeling at the moment. Isn't that what a blog is for? It's sort of an open book diary!
I guess what I am saying is thank you for reading my blog. My life isn't perfect! I just want to share my life with my family and friends whether it is good or bad. Call it theraputic, call it a release, call it sharing.....it's just me!
Update on my dad
It's Monday evening, I have spoken to both my mom and sister a couple of times today. It seems my dad is slowly slipping away from us. He is now resting peacefully and without discomfort or pain. He is not responding to touch or sounds.
My mom expressed to me that my dad looks happy. I do believe my dad has starting his journey towards heaven while Jesus has his arm around his shoulder. All that is left is my dad's earthly body. Death is nothing to fear......death is not the destination, it's part of our destiny which will eventually lead us to eternal life.
We are currently waiting for the final phone call. It won't be much longer. Keep my mom in your prayers. She is about to lose her best friend, her other half, lover, provider and husband. The days, weeks, months ahead are going to be hard.
My mom expressed to me that my dad looks happy. I do believe my dad has starting his journey towards heaven while Jesus has his arm around his shoulder. All that is left is my dad's earthly body. Death is nothing to fear......death is not the destination, it's part of our destiny which will eventually lead us to eternal life.
We are currently waiting for the final phone call. It won't be much longer. Keep my mom in your prayers. She is about to lose her best friend, her other half, lover, provider and husband. The days, weeks, months ahead are going to be hard.
First Day of School 2010-2011
Our Elementary kids:
Skyler/6th grader
Jade/5th grader
Our Junior Highers:
Tasha/8th Grade and
Megan/7th Grade
Our Junior in High School:
Ryan
Off to the bus........
Our Kindergartener:
Briggor
Waiting in line at school.....
Getting off the bus after school....
all smiles!!
When asked what he did today:
"I circled A's"!!!
After snack......tough day!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Sent this to my dad...
I sent this email to my dad on August 4, 2010 - just a few days after he came home for the hospital....
Daddy:
To the world you may be one person BUT to one person (that’s me!) you are HER WORLD!!!
I came across this verse today and wanted to share it with you. It sums up life in just one verse! I hope you are having a good day! See you tomorrow!
Love Mary poo !!!
2 Timothy 4:7 (New International Version)
7I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Daddy: you have fought the good fight – you are finishing your race and nearing the finish line and you have kept the faith (in God and in our family) !! Thank you again for being a wonderful dad and grandfather!! You are the best!
Daddy:
To the world you may be one person BUT to one person (that’s me!) you are HER WORLD!!!
I came across this verse today and wanted to share it with you. It sums up life in just one verse! I hope you are having a good day! See you tomorrow!
Love Mary poo !!!
2 Timothy 4:7 (New International Version)
7I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Daddy: you have fought the good fight – you are finishing your race and nearing the finish line and you have kept the faith (in God and in our family) !! Thank you again for being a wonderful dad and grandfather!! You are the best!
Update on my dad....
Today is Sunday and it is evening. My dad took a turn for the worse last night. Seems he fell again and the "lightbulb" just turned off. My dad has had 3 incredible wonderful weeks since he came home from the hospital. He has eaten and drank whatever he has had a taste for. My mom and dad have shared some private moments together. He was able to connect via internet and face-to-face interaction with the family and friends. God is good!
I drove down today to see him. The difference in just a few days is a 180 degree turn. He is now on 24 hour hospice care. There will be a nurse by his bedtime all the time now. He has oxygen. Breathing is rapid. He is struggling to swallow and talk. He is aggitated and frustrated. They have brought him a hospital bed now. He is confused. They have started to administer morphine.
I sat by his bedside- stroked his hair-held his hand. I told him I loved him and cried because my heart was breaking at seeing my hero so feeble and helpless. Sometimes I would just sit and stare at him and recall memories that the two of us have shared over the last 42 years. He is a great man, husband,dad and grandfather.
I spent a moment outside in the backyard of my parents house. The one and only house that I call home. With my feet in the pool, I prayed for my dad and family. There is never an easy time, the right time for an event like this. No one is ever prepared for it. But I do believe faith gets you through a difficult time. As I sat at the edge of the pool, as I had done so many times before, a soft, blowing breeze wrapped itself around me. It felt like the Lord came down and sat right next to me and gave me the biggest hug and told me everything was going to be okay.
It is just a matter of time before he goes to see the Lord. When I think about it, my dad is sooo lucky to go home. No more pain and suffering. Just relaxation and he will be given a new pure painless body! My dad is in the Lord's hands right now. So the family now sits and waits til the Lord comes for my dad........
As I finish writing this, I am out on my deck at home and that same beautiful breeze is closing in around me - hugging me and letting me know that all is well in the world! :) God's timing is perfect!
I drove down today to see him. The difference in just a few days is a 180 degree turn. He is now on 24 hour hospice care. There will be a nurse by his bedtime all the time now. He has oxygen. Breathing is rapid. He is struggling to swallow and talk. He is aggitated and frustrated. They have brought him a hospital bed now. He is confused. They have started to administer morphine.
I sat by his bedside- stroked his hair-held his hand. I told him I loved him and cried because my heart was breaking at seeing my hero so feeble and helpless. Sometimes I would just sit and stare at him and recall memories that the two of us have shared over the last 42 years. He is a great man, husband,dad and grandfather.
I spent a moment outside in the backyard of my parents house. The one and only house that I call home. With my feet in the pool, I prayed for my dad and family. There is never an easy time, the right time for an event like this. No one is ever prepared for it. But I do believe faith gets you through a difficult time. As I sat at the edge of the pool, as I had done so many times before, a soft, blowing breeze wrapped itself around me. It felt like the Lord came down and sat right next to me and gave me the biggest hug and told me everything was going to be okay.
It is just a matter of time before he goes to see the Lord. When I think about it, my dad is sooo lucky to go home. No more pain and suffering. Just relaxation and he will be given a new pure painless body! My dad is in the Lord's hands right now. So the family now sits and waits til the Lord comes for my dad........
As I finish writing this, I am out on my deck at home and that same beautiful breeze is closing in around me - hugging me and letting me know that all is well in the world! :) God's timing is perfect!
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Kindergarten Orientation
Well, it's that time - for me to let my baby go! I can't believe he is off to Kindergarten. Yesterday we attended Kindergarten Orientation. He met his teacher, Ms. Del Papa and sat at his desk for the first time EVER!! :)
He will be attending Kindergarten from 11am - 3pm every day. I will take him to school and he will ride the bus home with Bud and Jade.
I welled up with tears as I watched my little boy absorb the classroom and all there was to see and do. He is so excited!
Bud's First Scrimmage Football Game
Last Thursday, Bud played in his very first tackle football game. He did a great job! Bud is #60! Can't wait til the season starts - game every Saturday til the end of October!
Football Season
Bud has decided to play tackle football for the very first time. The teams are made up of 6th/7th/8th graders! http://www.jackfrostbucs.com/home
Friday, August 20, 2010
Swimming at Beema's and Papa Joe's
Enjoying a summer afternoon in Beema and Papa's pool!
Cousin Matty and Monica goofing around in the pool!
Cousin Matty and Monica goofing around in the pool!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
This Moment
There's only ONE who knows
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is HE'S OUT THERE WAITING
To Him the future's history
And He has given us a treasure called RIGHT NOW
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
Amd let them soften your heart
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is HE'S OUT THERE WAITING
To Him the future's history
And He has given us a treasure called RIGHT NOW
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
Amd let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
and let it go, let it go
YOU GOTTA LET IT GO
Listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
THE MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT
by Steven Curtis Chapman
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Falling into place....
The pieces seem to be falling into place regarding hospice for my dad. My mom informed me yesterday that she is very pleased with the whole experience and that some of the pressure has been taken off of her.
My mom has arranged for a night nurse to be at the house M-W-F from 9pm - 9am so my mom could get some sleep. There will also be a nurse at the house on Thursday mornings from 10-2pm so my mom can go out and run some errands and take care of her! My brother and sister and I will work out the weekends and see if we can help in any way we can.
According to my mom, my dad is eating and drinking anything he wants. He has been craving fried chicken - so my sis went and got him KFC!! LOL He is enjoying life right now!
Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers regarding my dad!
My mom has arranged for a night nurse to be at the house M-W-F from 9pm - 9am so my mom could get some sleep. There will also be a nurse at the house on Thursday mornings from 10-2pm so my mom can go out and run some errands and take care of her! My brother and sister and I will work out the weekends and see if we can help in any way we can.
According to my mom, my dad is eating and drinking anything he wants. He has been craving fried chicken - so my sis went and got him KFC!! LOL He is enjoying life right now!
Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers regarding my dad!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday
Yesterday was spent down south with my family. My sister, Tink, brother in law, Jim, my brother Joe and myself spent the morning talking about my dad. We all came to the conclusion that hospice was the best for my dad.
On my way driving down I was thinking of all the things I have done, or that my dad has taught me over the years. I'm making a list which if I ever finish I will post someday. Funny the things you remember when that person is slowing drifting away. I had a moment with my mom yesterday morning and I thought of 2 things that I wanted from my dad. I told her that I would return it if she wanted me to but for now I needed them with me. One was his old beat up softball glove. This glove has to be 40+ years old. Some of the friends from high school that I played with would remember it. I earned my spot on the Varsity Softball team with this glove! My dad played on an over 55 team in Burbank and traveled all over the world with this glove. The team finally made my dad retire the glove and get a new one. I went searching into his closet and found 3 bat bags. Two of the bags were completely pack and ready to go with glove, ball, uniform and bats. Inside I found the glove along with the 2 new ones! :) The third bag held about 20 softballs! Obviously for batting practice! LOL
The next item I am looking for is a t-shirt. This t-shirt is blue, with the McDonalds Bike Ride Diabetes logo on it. I believe the year was 1978. My dad and I used to ride 15-20 miles in one day from McDonalds to McDonalds all over Burbank and Glendale. It was a yearly event. My dad showed me the shirt a few months ago and I couldn't believe he still had it. My mom and I went through my dads drawers and couldn't find it. My mom said she will keep looking for it.
My brother flew in from Reno around noon. Jim drove up from San Diego. We all went to the hospital in the afternoon to bring my dad home for one last time. My dad suffered a pretty severe heart attack some time over the last 3 weeks. With the 4 valves connected to the heart - 3 of them are pumping at 20% and the other is pumping at 60%. The drs have given him 6 months or less to live. He is recovering from pneumonia and has fluid around his heart.
When my dad saw us he sat up and a look of relief came across his face. He was ready to go home! My dad is tired of nurses, drs, IV's, hospital food, etc. It took quite awhile for them to release my dad. The nurse had to read all the discharge papers. It was strange as they read off the medication and directions. My dad doesn't want any of that anymore. The hospital is the "patch them up, send them home" remedy. I stayed back away from my dad because I had a cold. I explained to him that I didn't want to get him sick. He said "What does it matter?" He was right! What does it matter? I walked right up and hugged/kissed my daddy. It felt so good to hug him. I told him I loved him and asked him if he was ready to go home!! He said YES! When we wheeled him out of the hospital, my dad was happy to be outside.
When we brought him home, he fell into his bed, into his clean sheets and fell right asleep. He was home!!
The hospice adminstrator met with all of us at the house. He informed us what they were all about, the services that they would provide my dad and the family. They are going to make my dad's final days (however long that may be) very comfortable. They will not provide a 24 hour caregiver and my mom was hoping that they would. We have to pay out of pocket for that service. My sister and mom are going to look into that. My mom needs help at night so that she can rest.
With that said, my dad looks great right now. The hospital pumped him up with lots of antibiotics and fluids. He ate fairly well. He will stop taking some medications. He is talking, laughing and smiling. There are times where he has a few moments of dementia and will tell a tale. But that is to be expected - due to lack of blood flow to brain, age and pain medication.
My mom is holding on as much as possible. This is harder on her then any of us. There is also a bit of relief. My sister will be staying with my mom another week til everything gets into place. She has been a wonderful help!!
On my way driving down I was thinking of all the things I have done, or that my dad has taught me over the years. I'm making a list which if I ever finish I will post someday. Funny the things you remember when that person is slowing drifting away. I had a moment with my mom yesterday morning and I thought of 2 things that I wanted from my dad. I told her that I would return it if she wanted me to but for now I needed them with me. One was his old beat up softball glove. This glove has to be 40+ years old. Some of the friends from high school that I played with would remember it. I earned my spot on the Varsity Softball team with this glove! My dad played on an over 55 team in Burbank and traveled all over the world with this glove. The team finally made my dad retire the glove and get a new one. I went searching into his closet and found 3 bat bags. Two of the bags were completely pack and ready to go with glove, ball, uniform and bats. Inside I found the glove along with the 2 new ones! :) The third bag held about 20 softballs! Obviously for batting practice! LOL
The next item I am looking for is a t-shirt. This t-shirt is blue, with the McDonalds Bike Ride Diabetes logo on it. I believe the year was 1978. My dad and I used to ride 15-20 miles in one day from McDonalds to McDonalds all over Burbank and Glendale. It was a yearly event. My dad showed me the shirt a few months ago and I couldn't believe he still had it. My mom and I went through my dads drawers and couldn't find it. My mom said she will keep looking for it.
My brother flew in from Reno around noon. Jim drove up from San Diego. We all went to the hospital in the afternoon to bring my dad home for one last time. My dad suffered a pretty severe heart attack some time over the last 3 weeks. With the 4 valves connected to the heart - 3 of them are pumping at 20% and the other is pumping at 60%. The drs have given him 6 months or less to live. He is recovering from pneumonia and has fluid around his heart.
When my dad saw us he sat up and a look of relief came across his face. He was ready to go home! My dad is tired of nurses, drs, IV's, hospital food, etc. It took quite awhile for them to release my dad. The nurse had to read all the discharge papers. It was strange as they read off the medication and directions. My dad doesn't want any of that anymore. The hospital is the "patch them up, send them home" remedy. I stayed back away from my dad because I had a cold. I explained to him that I didn't want to get him sick. He said "What does it matter?" He was right! What does it matter? I walked right up and hugged/kissed my daddy. It felt so good to hug him. I told him I loved him and asked him if he was ready to go home!! He said YES! When we wheeled him out of the hospital, my dad was happy to be outside.
When we brought him home, he fell into his bed, into his clean sheets and fell right asleep. He was home!!
The hospice adminstrator met with all of us at the house. He informed us what they were all about, the services that they would provide my dad and the family. They are going to make my dad's final days (however long that may be) very comfortable. They will not provide a 24 hour caregiver and my mom was hoping that they would. We have to pay out of pocket for that service. My sister and mom are going to look into that. My mom needs help at night so that she can rest.
With that said, my dad looks great right now. The hospital pumped him up with lots of antibiotics and fluids. He ate fairly well. He will stop taking some medications. He is talking, laughing and smiling. There are times where he has a few moments of dementia and will tell a tale. But that is to be expected - due to lack of blood flow to brain, age and pain medication.
My mom is holding on as much as possible. This is harder on her then any of us. There is also a bit of relief. My sister will be staying with my mom another week til everything gets into place. She has been a wonderful help!!
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